HOW TO LOSE A CONTEST IN 7 MINUTES

( Published in the Reverberations Souvenir 2010 )

How many times have you been a spectator at a contest and thought, ‘hey, I could have done that’ or ‘I could’ve won’. Most people fall in two categories, winners and losers, mostly and. Jokes apart, here are the sure shot tips of losing any contest. In my 4 year long stint with toastmasters I have made a sort of a record by losing contests. No, I don’t think I qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records yet, but I have lost more contests than most people, and here’s what I know.

When Chendil shoved me into my first toastmasters’ contest, he asked me “What have you got to lose?” I didn’t know the answer then, but now I am wiser. The contest to begin with, but if you wait until you definitely win, you will never enter. The best way of getting better is to be bad, besides you get a lot of sympathy, popularity, and experience. You also get to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, and can do your best “I’ll be back.”

Here come 5 golden rules, a list of things you can do to ensure you lose the Contest, the trophy and a lot of body weight, by crying mostly:

RULE 1: The Sieve Principle:

What the audience hears is not what you meant. What gets sieved through is completely different. The message you want to convey gets lost because of information overload, too many parameters and an absolute lack of transitions. This is a must. No one must know what you intend to say. Never have a clear message and resist the urge of repeating your message.

RULE 2: The Jargon Principle:

Jargon will make you feel included, and your listener feel excluded. It’s like a private joke with yourself and the audience has no clue. It also proves you are the anointed brethren, an excellent opportunity to show off, and confuse the audience.

RULE 3: Avoid Recording:

Do not let anyone record your speech, and do not attempt to record it on your own. Even if your new mobile phone comes with a 12mp camera and a brilliant recording feature. Are you kidding me, by recording, you are giving people an opportunity to review your speech and help you improve it. Also, you get to see how you did, your key strengths, and your weaknesses and points of improvement. Prime rule of losing a contest, recording is a strict NO!

RULE 4: Hijack:

Never use your own stories or experiences to make a speech. Plagiarise; hijack someone else’s story/ experience or material. Something you read recently on the internet, a common joke, they work wonders in getting you disqualified. Even if no one protests, rest assured some of the judges will have heard it before and you will lose marks for originality.

RULE 5: Humour Leads to Tumour:

...especially when you want to lose a contest. It’s okay to have a bad sense of rumour. You see, humour gets your audience hooked, so avoid being punny. Even if you are naturally funny, avoid it like plague, and yes never smile or laugh.

One person wins the World Championship of Public Speaking every year, the rest fifteen thousand contestants lose, so you’re in good company. Learn how to lose a speech contest in 7 minutes by following these 5 golden rules. See you at the next contest season, I’LL BE BACK !